Sly Humour

This has been a rather slow week, news-wise. Here are a few things of interest.

  • Weak Interest In The iPad Mini? – The TechBargains website recently conducted a survey concerning the much rumoured,  yet-to-be announced iPad Mini. Only 18% of the respondents indicated that they planned to purchase the min. 50% weren’t interested and the rest were sitting on the fence. Read the full story on ZDNet.
  • Why is the iPad mini like Waiting For Godot? – If you’re tired of waiting for Cupertino to announce/launch the vapour-ware mini, there are 5 other 7 inch options that you might want to consider. Read the full story from PC Magazine.
  • And you think that your cell phone bill is HUGE? – A French woman received an unbelievable bill from her carrier saying that she owed 11,721,000,000,000,000 euros. That’s roughly $15 quadrillion US. Suddenly, the national debt doesn’t seem quite as bad as we thought. Read the full story on C|NET. 
  • And finally . . .  –  Dr. Data is combining the Digest and All in fun today. He couldn’t resist the cat photo below.

[ca_audio url=”http://howardparsons.info/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Technical_difficulties_please_stand_by.mp3″ width=”300″ height=”27″ css_class=”codeart-google-mp3-player”]

Folks,

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Our friend, Henri, laments his dwindling enthusiasm for the world at the vet’s office. Such is the life of an existentialist French cat.

 

[tube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiYUzYozsAQ[/tube]

Sacre Merde!! Henri has returned!

 [tube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q34z5dCmC4M[/tube]

OK. I admit it. I’m a Geek and Geekie things amuse me. It’s no accident that Jim Parsons is my brother . . . No, not the one from Big Bang Theory . . . Jim Parsons, the Amateur Radio geek who is well on his way to establishing  Ham radio contact with every patch of land on this planet. Yes, he’s done Antarctica!

Well, anyway, I regularly check out Tech Republic’s Geekend postings and today there were a couple of good ones:

  1. What Science Fiction Movies are better than Star Wars?  My absolute favourite is on this list and it was made in 1951!
  2. What inside joke is hidden in the wheels of the Curiosity Rover on Mars?  I’m still blown away by that photo of the parachute descent take by the Mars Orbiter!
  3. Ten stupid things people have said.  You can probably think of additional examples. I know that I can!!

The following was passed along to me by Jack Compton of the Hoos Hoo chapter of BNI here in Charlottesville. This should give you something to start off your week-end.

Spread the Stupidity
Only in This Stupid World
………do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in This Stupid World
……..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in This Stupid World
……….do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

Only in This Stupid World
……….do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
Our useless junk in the garage.

Only in This Stupid World
………..do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in Packages of eight..

Only in This Stupid World

……….do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens
Our hair, but darkens  our skin?

Why don’t we ever see the
Headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is
‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that
Doctors call what they do ‘practice’?


Why is lemon juice made
With artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who
Invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of
Day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there
Mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah
Swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the
Needle for lethal injections?

You know that Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep
Shrink when it rains?

Why are they called
Apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of Pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so Safe,  
why do they call the airport the terminal?

What A Hoot!

While the following is often attributed to Monty Pythonian, John Cleese, it is actually the product of many minds. It originated with Alan Baxter of Rochester, U.K. who penned & posted a much shorter, 4-item manifesto at the close of the last century. It has been added to over the years and some rather humourous rebuttals from the west side of the pond have been lobbed in the general direction of the U.K. The whole story – including the rebuttals – may be found at Snopes.com. Meanwhile, enjoy!

Letter to the USA

 To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

 Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

 Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there’s a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

 To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check “aluminium” in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’. Likewise you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.”

 Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed.” There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as “U.S. English.” We’ll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’.

 3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as ‘Taggart’ will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 4. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1.

 5. You should stop playing American “football.” There’s only one kind of football. What you call American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays “American” football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

 Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

 You should stop playing baseball. It’s not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

 7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”

 8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t French, they’re Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

 10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer.” Substances once known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or “Gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

 12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you’re not adult enough to be independent. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

 14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

 Thank you for your co-operation.

See more on this at Snopes.com.

NOAA – the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration – has announced that aquatic humanoids do not exist and never have existed. That means that every mermaid from Ariel to Zelda is nothing but the product of overactive imaginations and mythology.

This is an outrage!!! The whole thing smells like a government cover-up and I would not be surprised if the CIA and/or the NSA were behind it all! How dare they lie to us! At the end of the day, we all KNOW that mermaids – and men – exist . . .right???

For the “official” tissue of lies, have a look at the NOAA website.

Even the supposedly reputable Time Magazine is in on the cover-up.

I don’t know about you but I’m going to write my Congressperson!!!

The Parsons’ Rant pulled in around 500 hits yesterday. This was the biggest day yet. There were only three posts yesterday and I’m trying to decide if it was:

  1. The insightful reporting of the three  versions (four if you count Enterprise) of Windows 8
  2. The intrepid journalism of the final installment to the Linux series
  3. Henri – The French Cat

For some reason, I think that it was #3.

 

For those of you who have an interest in Feline Angst, have a look at Henri, the French Cat.

 

http://www.directorslive.com/black-and-white/henri-french-cat-articulates-pain-existence

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