Humour

Colony Island will never be great again The meme, “America will never be great again until . . .”, has been floating around Facebook for a few years. Accordingly, we decided to post our own take on it as a bit of Monday morning humour.

The image itself is of the Neptune statute on the boardwalk in Virginia Beach, VA. Neptune was the Roman god of the sea, but was eventually conflated with the Greek god, Poseidon.

The residents of Colony Island use the names Poseidon and Neptune interchangeably. There is a decided preference for Poseidon, however.

For additional information on the subject of Roman vs Greek gods, please visit DecodedPast.com.

Colony Island will never be great again

The god Neptune was one of many Roman sea gods until he was cast in the equivalent role as the Greek god Poseidon. Image by Habib M’henni.

Fifty-Seven Years of Math 1957-2014 in America: the evolution in teaching math —

1. Teaching Math In 1950’s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960’s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970’s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980’s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990’s:

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2000’s:

If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don’t answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers.

7. Teaching Math In 2014:

Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Robin Williams’ Top 10 Reasons To Be An Episcopalian:

10. No snake handling.
9. You can believe in dinosaurs. 
8. Male and female God created them; male and female we ordain them. 
7. You don’t have to check your brains at the door. 
6. Pew aerobics. 
5. Church year is color-coded. 
4. Free wine on Sunday. 
3. All of the pageantry – none of the guilt. 
2. You don’t have to know how to swim to get baptized.
And the Number One reason to be an Episcopalian:
1. No matter what you believe, there’s bound to be at least one other Episcopalian who agrees with you.

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It’s time to grab my kilt because Olympic Curling started today with Women’s Curling being aired at 5:00 AM and Men’s Curling going off at 5:00 PM. If NBC (the National Biscuit Company) continues to do this, yours truly is going to be getting up before the chickens for the next twa weeks.

By way of response, I’m seriously considering launching TCC – The Curling Channel; All Curling, All the time! If I can get the distilleries on board, I’m in business! Imagine! An hour of curling brought to you by Laphroaig . . . or Glen Grant, Springbank, Dalwhinnie, Cragganmore – verily, the mind boggles! Of course, interest is going to wane come the summer but we can show “Curling Down Under”! Just think! Bonspiels from Australia! Interviews with Kiwi skips! And to round things out, we can show Shinty matches and watch the lads from Kingussie kick some ass! Be sure to let your cable provider know what YOU want to watch!

Has This Ever Happened To You?

I caught a wee glimpse of the men’s 500 metre speed skating this morning. Of course, the Dutch were burning up the track as usual. There was one heat with an Aussie speed skater in the outside lane. The gun went off and both skaters took off . . . or at least they did until the Aussie leaned forward a bit too much, the tip of his left skate dug into the ice and down he went, flat on his face. Somebody get the bloke a Foster’s while he regroups!

With all the problems in the world and countless issues – like Windows 8 & Linux – awaiting TechnoRants©, Dr. Data has nothing better to do with his time than blether on about the enduring social fiction known as the ‘Little White Lie’. We’ve all told them at one time or another; those fibs intended to comfort, encourage, soothe or avoid hurting someone’s feelings. For example, a friend presents you with a truly hideous gift of no practical or aesthetic value. Instead of asking the person “Have you been dumpster diving again?”, we avoid hurting the feelings of the – usually – well-intentioned gift-giver by saying “What a lovely/handsome/thoughtful gift! I will have to think of just the right place to display/use it.”

In reality, the next time that the aforementioned gift will see the light of day will be:

  1. On sale at a charity shop
  2. On the table at a neighbour’s yard sale
  3. Given as a gift to someone or other who will then pass it on to someone else, traversing the 6 degrees of separation until it returns home to the original gift-giver.

The white lie was the subject of a column by Ceila Walden in London’s Daily Telegraph concerning what we tend to say upon seeing someone’s baby for the first time. While we may say to the parent “What a sweet/adorable/handsome/beautiful baby you have!”, we privately ponder the feasibly of giving the poor kid a lifetime supply of paper bags.

Like most everything on the internet now-a-days, there was a space for user commentary following the column. The following two jokes were gleaned from the various remarks by readers. One is an auld chestnut that is still worth a smile while the other is one that Dr. Data has not seen before. Enjoy!


 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says:

“Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her:

“‘The driver just insulted me!”

The man says:

“You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

 


A man with two beautiful daughters visits his wife in hospital after the birth of an ugly son.

Husband says to wife, “How come we have two beautiful girls and now this? Have you been playing away from home?”

Wife to husband, “Not this time.”


 

Resources:

In truth, we’d be lost without all those little white lies – The Daily Telegraph

Let’s see now:

  • Laptop – check
  • Geek glasses – check
  • Nerd shirt in a colour not found in nature – check
  • Stack of Linux/Unix manuals – check
  • Stack of Perl manuals – check
  • iPhone with Whipped app – check
  • Assorted flash drives – check
  • Other assorted stuff that no self-respecting computer dweeb can live without – check
  • Autographed copy of The Wit & Wisdom of Sheldon Cooper – check

[stextbox id=”Question” float=”true” align=”right” width=”200″]Just how much of a dyed-in-the-wool Hokie is my brother? He refuses to wear a kilt until he can find one in Burnt Orange and Chicago Maroon![/stextbox]

Looks like I’ve got everything. I’m off on a 10-month contract with the University of Virginia ITS (Information Technology Services). My brother, Jim Parsons – no, not THAT Jim Parsons! – a dyed in the wool Hokie, must be hiding his face in shame over all this.

So far, Day 1 has been slow but that’s the way 1st days usually are. There’s a cardboard stand-up of Mr. Spock next to my cube and Iron Man collectables on the shelf across the aisle. I have a first-rate view of the train tracks behind the building so I can foam and work at the same time. I’m in Nerdlandia.

It’s November 30th – St. Andrew’s Day. St. Andrew is the patron saint of Scotland and kicks off the holiday shopping season in the run-up to Christmas.

It is also the first day of the Annual Haggis Hunt sponsored by the Scotsman, an Edinburgh newspaper. If you’ve never hunted haggis, here’s how it goes. The Haggis is hunting season runs from St. Andrews Day until Burns Night in January. To join the hunt, simply go to the Official Haggis Hunt Website where you will find all sorts of lore about this wee tasty beasty as well as recipes for properly preparing the rascal. You will also find a set of 10 webcams. It’s your job to check these cameras on a regular basis if you hope to espy a haggis. (This is their season for migrating, mating or something like that so the haggi – the plural of haggis – should be out in force!) If you are indeed lucky enough to catch a glimpse of one of the elusive buggers, simply follow the instructions for reporting your find. Who knows – you just might win something!

A kilt is not required to hunt haggis but a flask of a certain amber liquid – to keep yourself warm, of course, and repel any lingering midgies – is highly recommended.

This has been a rather slow week, news-wise. Here are a few things of interest.

  • Weak Interest In The iPad Mini? – The TechBargains website recently conducted a survey concerning the much rumoured,  yet-to-be announced iPad Mini. Only 18% of the respondents indicated that they planned to purchase the min. 50% weren’t interested and the rest were sitting on the fence. Read the full story on ZDNet.
  • Why is the iPad mini like Waiting For Godot? – If you’re tired of waiting for Cupertino to announce/launch the vapour-ware mini, there are 5 other 7 inch options that you might want to consider. Read the full story from PC Magazine.
  • And you think that your cell phone bill is HUGE? – A French woman received an unbelievable bill from her carrier saying that she owed 11,721,000,000,000,000 euros. That’s roughly $15 quadrillion US. Suddenly, the national debt doesn’t seem quite as bad as we thought. Read the full story on C|NET. 
  • And finally . . .  –  Dr. Data is combining the Digest and All in fun today. He couldn’t resist the cat photo below.

Our friend, Henri, laments his dwindling enthusiasm for the world at the vet’s office. Such is the life of an existentialist French cat.

 

[tube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiYUzYozsAQ[/tube]

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